I finally figured out where Heather went. And it wasn’t to Li’l Abner’s Dogpatch.
For 30-plus years, the gun-totin’ Daisy Mae has cocked her sawed-off shotgun on a grainy TV ad, signaling that the Great Southern Gun and Knife Show is coming soon to a venue near me. It marks the season better than spring buds on cherry trees.
“I’m Heather. Take some time this weekend and come see what I’ve got,” the siren sings. “It’s just for you. Bigger and better than ever.”
Nothing says manhood like a stiff weapon. Just sayin’.
“Sure as shootin’, (cocks gun) I’ll probably see you there,” Heather adds. Only she won’t. I found her working at a bookstore in Detroit. At least I think it’s her.
I didn’t start out looking for Heather. I was trying to correct what I thought was an error in an online Amazon search result for my book. A friend who wanted to buy a copy discovered it.
“Buy used. $1,092.40,” the site read when I searched. “Sold by ThriftBooks – Motor City.”
I clicked on the third-party’s site, found the “Contact Us” page, and wrote them a helpful message, after first identifying myself as the author of Aunt Sister, and directing their attention to the listing price. “While I’m flattered,” I continued, “I think you may need to check for a misplaced decimal or typo.”
The next day, in my email inbox, was this response – forwarded by Amazon:
Greetings from ThriftBooks,
We price our books according to current market demand. For some out-of-print or otherwise hard-to-find or desirable books, this can result in the current listing price being higher than the original listing price available anywhere on the internet.
All the best,
I swear, I could hear a gun cock. Just shoot me. Now.
Of course, I hope my book is desirable and in market demand. But I assure you it’s not out of print nor hard to find on the internet – if you’re looking for it – for a tad under $1,092. I’ll even sign it and deliver it free.
I just choose not to sell new books through Amazon. I tried that and about lost my shirt in fees. But I have to confess, I never thought about selling used books and jacking up the price.
I’m sure Heather’s done the math on that. Since the Gun Show owners keep running her 1988 ad to promote their annual tour of the South, she doesn’t have to worry about the price of weapons in today’s market. That’s freed up precious mental real estate for her to ponder things like the price of used books online.
Heather also doesn’t have to fret over keeping her girlish figure for the boob tube, which automatically adds 10 pounds anyway. DeLois Price, bless her heart, has to worry about current prices and bulk load.
DeLois is the blond Hee-Haw-honey-look-alike featured on long-running syndicated auto dealership ads in several states. For years, DeLois has been flashing her gams and mugging it up with Seymour Trucks, an archetypal Boss Hog figure that just grows more into character with each birthday and belt size.
The commercial series has been running so long, in fact, that the sheen from DeLois’ support hose is starting to bounce off the camera lights. Soon, I predict, she’ll be pricing used books on the internet with Heather. She certainly qualifies. Her math skills would have to be pretty sharp to keep up with all that price slashing at the auto dealerships.
If only Heather and DeLois had chosen a more liberal arts path and lettered in letters like Vanna White, they would have more staying power in their chosen profession.
Vanna’s doing quite nicely at 61, thank you very much.
Since 1982, her wheel of fortune has paid off handsomely, allowing for some mighty fine youth-preserving facial work. Add to that her great Southern genes, and you have the recipe for a winner who’s still in front of the cameras after 36 years.
Vanna doesn’t even have to worry about the price of guns, knives, cars, trucks or tea in China. She just looks marvelous in fabulous gowns, taps letters, banters benignly and travels to exotic places with Pat.
I hope tryouts for the next season of America’s Favorite Game are coming soon to a venue near me. If I don’t get rich from selling used books, sure as shootin’, (cock) I’ll see you there.
Aunt Sister is a Southern Lady who was raised right but overcame it, bless her heart. Aunt Sister the book is available at auntsister.com. On FB and Twitter: @auntsistersays