Zombies on Muzak … that’s the premise of “Cell” and it’s just as bad as it sounds, if not worse.

The only difference is that this terrible zombie movie – of which there are literally thousands – actually stars stars. John Cusack plays the frazzled, yet determined dad who’s hell bent on finding his family. Samuel L. Jackson plays pretty much the same character he plays so gloriously in every film - a b-a-a-a-a-d man.

Based on the only Stephen King book that I simply refused to read because the whole premise sounded just plain dumb: cell phone tones turning people into zombies. Well, I guess they weren’t zombies, though, come to think of it, they didn’t eat anybody, just sorta tore ‘em apart. But the confusing psychosis of the people is only one small problem of this film that was doomed from the start.

Cell movie poster

“Cell” was essentially shelved for two years for reasons that are unclear only to anyone who hasn’t tried to watch it. “Lost” movies are a lot like those “bonus” tracks on reissued CDs. If they were any good, they’d have seen the light of day long ago.

Still … John Cusack and Samuel L. Jackson. That gives it some credence, and they are the only worthwhile part of “Cell,” Not sense Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey sold their souls in “Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation” have two Hollywood stars taken top billing on such dreck.

Actually, compared to “Next Generation,” “Cell” looks like “Citizen Cane,” but Cusack and Jackson deserve better.

Though, the real blame lies on Stephen King for writing “Cell” in the first place. It’s like the bit from “Family Guy” where King’s grabbing office supplies and saying how scary they are.

Anyone who’s been nearly trampled by a teenage girl taking a selfie at a crosswalk, knows how stupid smartphones make people act, but turning people into Muzak-spewing zombies, come on. It’s like he’s not even trying anymore. Granted, in 2006, people were still mumbling about cell phones causing brain tumors and whatnot, but for the film version to come out a decade later just makes the premise feel sad and dated.

Maybe I’ve just OD’d on zombies, but really Cusack and Jackson look bored and that’s before discovering that these high-tech zombies actually work like a human blue tooth, spouting EDM music from the wide-open maws.

Wait … wait … wait. Was this supposed to be a comedy? Never mind, I still don’t get it