Netflix and Kill: In which I watch really obscure horror movies on Netflix that I picked because I liked the title or the movie art.
Granted, it was kind of cliché with the mean-girl stereotypes (though these cheerleaders acted more like strippers and should be nowhere near a high school), but that’s part of what made it fun.
“All Cheerleaders Die” didn’t follow the expected plot of “nasty cheerleaders get their just deserts from the lowly underclass nerds they’ve berated mercilessly.” Rather, it was the cheerleaders who got their revenge on the abusive football players who played fast and loose with their hearts and their … uh … virtue.
True to its title, all the cheerleaders died – but thanks to the intervention of a lovelorn witch, they were all brought back from the dead following a car crash in which each drowned.
As they come to terms with being “undead” and their sudden lust for blood – I’m not sure if they’re zombies or vampires or what – the cheerleaders set their collective sights on the star quarterback and his minions who are responsible for their strange new lifestyle.
Here I was hoping to be able to use the word “titillating” repeatedly in its proper context. However, save for a couple of cheerleading routines seemingly taken straight out of Warrant’s “Cherry Pie” video, the girls are fairly tame, all things considered. But they have terrible table manners when it comes to feeding their growing hunger.
Things go a little sideways in terms of just how the goth girl/teen witch brought the cheerleaders back from the dead … something about magic crystals replacing their life force and they need human victims to maintain its colorful energy. Or maybe I’m overthinking a movie that didn’t do much thinking on its own.
During all the goofy magic scenes, all I could think was WWWD? (What Would Willow Do?). As a huge fan of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” I couldn’t help but wonder what sort of spell that Willow would have tried and how it would have gone wrong. Willow knows that sometimes when you bring someone back from the dead, they come back wrong … or maybe that’s the mantra from “Pet Semetary.”
Either way, “All Cheerleaders Die” is a fun and funny bad movie that will leave horror fans hungry for more.