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HOMELAND INSECURITY

Lisa Davis: The candy man shouldn’t have

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BRACHS

When I first came across it on the internet, I thought it had to be a prank. But no. Brach’s, the folks who make candy corn, have come out with a whole new bag of candy corn flavors this season: Turkey Dinner.

It’s a whole Thanksgiving feast in one bag!

There’s roast turkey and stuffing, green beans, cranberry sauce, apple pie and coffee.

Brach’s already makes candy corn and candy pumpkins, so you think there’d be corn casserole and pumpkin pie with this Thanksgiving dinner, but no such luck.

Also, no Jell-O salad?

The idea of Turkey Dinner candy makes me think of “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,” in which a horrid little girl samples a chewing gum that tastes like tomato soup, roast beef and blueberry pie — and then she blows up into a giant blueberry.

It also makes me think of the candy from Harry Potter — Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans — which include lots of nice flavors but also nasty ones like earthworm and booger.

The package says the Turkey Dinner candies are “naturally and artificially flavored.” The only natural flavor on the ingredients list is coffee. I don’t want to think about where one might get artificial turkey flavor.

I open the package and cross my fingers that I don’t blow up into a giant blueberry, or get a booger one by mistake.

There are no instructions noting which color is which flavor, so I start by sorting the candies into piles. 

Green: I hope these are the green beans. Indeed, there is a fresh, bright vegetable taste to these. Exactly what I do not want in a candy.

Red: Cranberry sauce. This one is not bad. Sweet and tangy. Although it doesn’t particularly taste like cranberries.

Dark brown: It’s triangular, it’s dark brown, it looks alarmingly like the poop emoji. It turns out to be coffee. It’s not bad. It tastes like good strong coffee with just a hint of chemicals. 

Brown and yellow: Oh there’s the turkey. It was everything you would expect in a turkey candy. I had to spit it out.

Brown and white: This must be the apple pie! Wait, no, ack, glllrkjasdf … That was actually another turkey candy. You really  have to pay close attention to these colors. The brown and white candy did taste sort of like apple pie, heavy on the cinnamon.

This is all very disappointing, as I’m a girl who can eat an entire bag of Brach’s candy pumpkins in one sitting.

What does it say about us as a society that a candy company has felt compelled to make candies that taste like anything but candy? “Savory candy.” This is a terrible idea!

What does it say about me that I immediately went out looking for a bag?

Before you head out, you should know they’re only available at Walgreens.

Lisa Davis is Features Editor of The Anniston Star. Contact her at ldavis@annistonstar.com. You can listen to her read her columns online at annistonstar.com/features/humor.

Features Editor Lisa Davis: 256-235-3555.