Fellow (for now) Annistonians, I arise today to address an issue more urgent by far than Annexit, impeachment, and Bama possibly not making the playoff. I refer to banana selection.
When I buy bananas, I seek only the finest unblemished specimens. I gently run my finger along the outside to make sure the smooth skin is not hiding bruised flesh within. I only buy as many as we plan to eat over the next few days, knowing that, like childhood, the good eating time of a banana is fleeting. What doth it profit a man to buy a good banana, only to have it spoileth in ye fridge? It profiteth him notteth.
Now imagine my horror when I am making my banana selection, and I see other shoppers come cruising by and simply snatching up the nearest bunch, regardless of appearance and firmness. Sometimes they don’t even stop their grocery cart, nor even glance at what they are picking up. It could be a shrunken head (for example, though not sure why that would be there) and boom, it’s in their cart. Are they pressed for time, or were they not taught properly? Don’t answer, because there’s really no justification for such carelessness.
As an amateur student of retail science, I know that shopping is a conversation between the customers and the shopkeeper. When they place goods on display, the shopkeepers are saying “This is good.” When we buy it, we are saying, “We agree, it is good.” Now, if you just snatch up any old sad, spotted, gushy banana, the shopkeeper is hearing you say, “Don’t bother stocking the finest, freshest fruit. We’ll buy anything.” The result: a decline in the quality of local bananas for everyone, causing me to have to wander in the wilderness — or at least down to Publix in Oxford where my sales tax goes into that city’s overflowing coffers.
Please, everyone in Anniston: Unite with me and buy only the best bananas. If we can do this, surely we can also unite and solve our other less pressing problems.