Looking Glass

PLEASE, SOMEBODY NOTICE ME:

A woman faked her own kidnapping, gagging herself with her undies and tying herself to a pole in the basement of her home in Lemon Township, Ohio. She then posted pictures and video of herself on Facebook supposedly from her captors. Police determined that it was a desperate plea for attention.

OH, IS THE CIRCUS IN TOWN?

A teenager in Marlboro, Vt., called the cops when he came home to find a 43-year-old man dressed as a clown sleeping inside the residence. The clown was apparently high on cocaine.

HEY PUNK, SAY HELLO TO BARBARA:

A masked man barged into a home in Spartanburg, S.C., at around midnight and wrestled an elderly woman to the ground and demanded money. Her daughter heard the commotion, grabbed her gun and shot him in the buttocks. She had bought the gun only three months ago and named it Barbara.

WHY WON’T THIS CAR GO?

A 17-year-old pulled a gun on a man sitting in his car in Birmingham, ordered him out of the vehicle and demanded his phone, tablet and car keys. But the carjacking attempt failed because the nitwit didn’t know how to drive a car with a manual transmission, so he took the phone and fled. The victim was able to track his phone and provide deputies with the robber’s location.

HEY BUB, MY EYES ARE UP HERE:

A woman had her dog’s paw prints tattooed on her breasts – eight inches wide and three inches tall – 10 years ago when she was 18. She has since discovered that they have made her undateable, having had few relationships lasting more than a month in all that time. She is finally having the tattoos removed.

FIRST OF ALL, I DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE A COP, MA’AM:

A man on a crowded subway train during rush hour in New York City rubbed his private parts against the thigh of a female passenger. Unfortunately for him, she was a plainclothes NYPD detective riding with her partner as part of an undercover operation. They took him off the train in handcuffs.

I FEEL I WAS RIGHT TO BREAK UP WITH YOU:

A very angry woman showed up at her ex-boyfriend’s home in Edgewood, Fla., and demanded that he return the teddy bear she had given to the man’s 18-month-old daughter. He gave it back. Then, she set his house on fire, and stabbed a deputy who tried to intervene.