IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE:
Almost every member of a violent, binge-drinking family will be locked up over Christmas, and their neighbors in Maidstone, England, are celebrating. The mother and one of her sons are in prison for brawling in public and disturbing the peace. Another son stabbed a friend who asked to share his steak dinner. And the third son blew up a cash machine. The father is dead and a sister is out on probation. “Everyone on the street is delighted,” one neighbor said.
AND YES, I DO WANT FRIES WITH THAT, SIR:
A man got drunk at the Showgirls club in Galesburg, Ill., and crashed his car into a ditch. When arresting officers asked him his name, he said “Burger King.”
UH, MA’AM … EXCUSE ME, MA’AM?
A lady called an ambulance after she spotted a woman covered in snow sitting stone still on a bench in a park in West Midlands, England. Emergency personnel sped to the scene, where they found that the woman was actually a statue.
OK, EXCELLENT QUESTION, OFFICER:
A man who was on probation for robbery broke into a business in La Crosse, Wisc., late at night and stole a laptop, but left his probation papers behind. In an effort to get them back, he called the cops and asked them to help him get into the building, claiming he had left money inside. He was unable to explain how he had gotten in there after hours.
NO WONDER HE DIDN’T TAKE A COFFEE BREAK:
A man entered a hotel in Billings, Mont., at 3 p.m. and spent more than four hours working to unbolt an ATM cash machine from the floor. Everyone assumed he was authorized to do this by the bank. He wasn’t. He dragged the 300-pound machine out at 7:30 p.m., and has not been seen since.
HE HAS A TENDENCY TOWARD EXAGGERATION:
A man who was arrested for trying to stab someone with a pair of scissors in Portland, Ore., told police that his wife, the famous singer Taylor Swift, told him to do it. Taylor Swift is not his wife. He also said he has “top secret clearance.” He does not. He will be examined by mental health professionals.
CERTAINLY, SHERIFF, WE’LL DO THAT RIGHT AWAY:
A man robbed a bank in Lake Elsinore, Calif., but started throwing money out of his car as the cops chased him down the freeway at a high rate of speed. Motorists pulled over to scoop up the cash, and sheriff’s investigators have announced that they want the people to return it.
OH, MY MISTAKE:
A woman told police that she fired a shotgun at an intruder standing outside her home in Spring Grove, Ill., except, officers discovered, nobody was actually there. She had taken pills and “it appeared that she was impaired.”
HEY, LET’S PLAY BREAK-IN!
A 16-year-old girl used the 10-year-old boy she was babysitting to help her commit a burglary in Rochester, N.Y. Police caught her and the boy, who was “dragging a suitcase” full of goods stolen from a home in the neighborhood, at 3:30 in the afternoon.