Looking Glass

OH HELLO DEAR, WHAT A LOVELY SURPRISE … WHAM!

A woman showed up uninvited at the Rockledge, Fla., home of her ex-boyfriend — whom she had broken up with 10 years ago —  then got into an argument with him and hit him in the face with a frying pan.

WE BREAK OUT TONIGHT… WHO’S WITH ME?!

Some 52 “large and potentially very aggressive baboons” escaped from the largest zoo in Paris and were seen running amok in the Vincennes woods. Trained professionals immediately sprang into action, shutting down the area and recapturing most of the animals within a few hours.

HEY, HOW DID YOU GET HERE SO FAST?

Six masked juveniles and one 18-year-old robbed an AT&T phone store in Huber Heights, Ohio, a short distance from where a large contingent of police officers from a number of area departments were taking part in SWAT training. The cops swooped down on them with a terrible swiftness.

YOU HAVE A POINT, SIR:

A man who was pulled over for driving the wrong way down a one-way street in Thibodaux, La., had enough alcohol in his system to cause his death. After blowing a .416 BAC on the Breathalyzer, he gave up halfway through a field sobriety test, telling officers he “was going to jail anyways.”

OH SURE, YOUR SECRET IS SAFE WITH ME:

A man in a pickup truck crashed into a minivan while driving on the wrong side of the road in Washington City, Utah, then continued on for another block even though he had lost a wheel. In addition to being drunk, he told the occupant of the house he finally stopped at, “Don’t tell them I was texting.”

YOU CALLED, SIR?

A man who broke into an office building in Ephrata, Pa., accidentally dialed 911 once he got inside. Officers who showed up to investigate found him “naked and clearly under the influence of a controlled substance.”

ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?!

A 71-year-old man who didn’t like being found guilty of harassment in a Luzerne County, Pa., courtroom, looked at the judge and said, “I’m just going to have to get my .44 Magnum.” He is now charged with making terroristic threats.

COOL CAR, MR. MAILMAN:

A postal worker in New Jersey stole credit cards he was supposed to deliver and used them to purchase many luxury items. Law enforcement became suspicious when it was revealed that the guy was tooling around town in a Maserati.

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