Looking Glass

WHY WON’T YOU MARRY ME?! WHY?! WHY?!

A man drove a woman to a home in White Bear Township at 3 a.m. after she had had a few drinks. She then asked him to marry her. He declined, got out of his Hummer and told her to do the same. In response, she stole the vehicle, speeding down the road at 80 mph with him clinging to the roof rack.

YOU CALL THAT JUSTICE?

A 12-year-old Canadian boy called 911 twice to complain that his mother was making him eat salad. The Royal Canadian Mounted Police came to his home and had a talk with the lad about the appropriate use of the police emergency number.

HMMM, THIS LOOKS FAMILIAR:

A customer tried to pay a waitress at a restaurant in Pine Bluff, Ark., with her own credit card, which he had stolen from her purse in her car at a nearby gas station two days earlier. She called the cops.

ISN’T THIS A VIOLATION OF THE GREETERS HANDBOOK?

A greeter at a grocery superstore in Mokena, Ill., repeatedly punched a shopper in the head as he was walking out of the building. He told arresting officers that he “believed he recognized” the victim as someone who had battered him two years ago.

YOU’RE DARN RIGHT I’M STEAMED!

A man is divorcing his wife because she salted his popcorn at a movie theater in Brookfield, Wis., against his wishes. He accused her of being unfaithful and then waited in the car while she watched the movie.

MY BIKE WAS AT A CRIME SCENE? REALLY?

A man set fire to a neighbor’s sport-utility vehicle in Livonia, Mich., because “it was way too loud,” then ran away when the owner confronted him, leaving his bicycle behind. The arsonist later called police to report that his bike had been stolen, resulting in his arrest.

SO TELL ME, HON, ARE YOU IMPRESSED?

A man impersonating a three-star Army general chartered a helicopter to a field near a government contracting facility in Cary, N.C., and told a security officer there that he was there to pick up a woman and take her to a classified briefing at Fort Bragg. He then had the pilot take him and the woman for a 30-minute ride around Raleigh. The man, who has never been in the military, was trying to pursue a romantic relationship with the woman, who is married.

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