Me: Ow, all of my joints hurt!
Menopause: Sorry about that.
Me: [ google google ]
Menopause: I wouldn’t do that if I were you.
Me: It says here I might have rheumatoid arthritis.
Menopause: Nope, it’s just me.
Me: Why are my feet so cold all the time?
Menopause: Because you’re too cheap to turn up the thermostat?
Me: [ google google ] It says here I might have Raynaud Syndrome.
Menopause: I keep telling you, it’s just me.
Me: I went to the doctor and got a biopsy of that hairy mole on my cheek.
Menopause: I told you that was just me.
Me: The good news is, it was benign.
Menopause: Did they tell you that insurance isn’t going to cover that?
Me: Am I limping?
Menopause: Now that you mention it, yeah a little bit.
Me: [ google google ] It says here hip pain might be caused by scoliosis.
Menopause: Or maybe it’s just the added pressure from those extra pounds I gave you.
Me: My mouth is really dry this morning [ gargle gargle ] [ google google ] “Dry mouth, dry eyes, joint pain, persistent fatigue …” Oh no, I have Sjogren’s Syndrome. This is really bad. I need to get to the doctor.
Menopause: Or maybe you just need to drink a glass of water.
Me: I was going to look up something but now I can’t remember what it was.
Menopause: Allow me. [ google google ] “Brain fog might be a symptom of menopause.”
Me: No, I think it’s lupus.
Me: Why am I so tired all the time?
Menopause: Don’t do it.
Me: [ google google ] “Fatigue, muscle aches, increased sensitivity to cold, weight gain, dry skin, joint pain, impaired memory …” I think I have an underactive thyroid gland! I need to go get a blood test.
Menopause: Don’t waste your money. Those are all me.
Me: I just feel so worried all the time. Why is that?
Menopause: [ sigh ]
Me: [ google google ] “Nervousness, fatigue, muscle weakness, increased sensitivity to heat, difficulty sleeping, thinning skin” … I think I have an overactive thyroid gland!
Menopause: Or maybe you spend too much time googling symptoms.
Me: Do you hear that?
Me: [ google google ] “Ringing, buzzing or roaring in the ear may be caused by Meniere’s Disease, head or neck tumors, heart disease, arterial blockages …” I’m dying.
Menopause: You’re not dying. Not at the moment, anyway.
Me: What is it then?
Menopause: Allow me to introduce you to my good friend, Old Age.
Lisa Davis is Features Editor of The Anniston Star. Contact her at 256-235-3555 or firstname.lastname@example.org.