Burl Ives snowman
Submitted photo

ME: “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” is on TV! That’s one of my holiday favorites!

MENOPAUSE: Oh look, you’re shaped just like Burl Ives the snowman!

ME: [ frosty glare ]

MENOPAUSE: You’re growing a mustache like him, too.

• • •

ME: I hate holiday weight gain.

MENOPAUSE: Maybe somebody shouldn’t have eaten Santa’s cookies every single year.

• • •

ME: Remember when the kids were little and we’d stay up late after they’d gone to bed, putting toys together and filling stockings?

MENOPAUSE: Yeah, those are some treasured memories. OK, we’re going to stay up all night again this Christmas Eve!

ME: Wait, no, that’s not what I meant!

• • •

ME: My pants are tighter than usual. What’s up with that?

MENOPAUSE: It’s winter. You’re putting on that extra layer of fat before you hibernate.

• • •

ME: Fudge!

MENOPAUSE: Acid reflux!

• • •

ME: I’ve got the weekend free, company is coming, I’m going to clean this house from top to bottom!

MENOPAUSE: Good luck with that.

ME: Do you remember where I put the mop?

• • •

ME: Look, there’s a package of “Mystery Flavored Oreos” on the shelf. How ridiculous is that? Look, they also have mint-flavored Oreos, and cinnamon-roll-flavored Oreos. What’s wrong with plain, old-fashioned Oreos?

MENOPAUSE: Somebody’s grinchy today. By the way, the mystery flavor in those Oreos is Fruity Pebbles.

ME: [ puts package in cart ]

MENOPAUSE: You know those will make your waist grow three sizes that day?

• • •

ME: Peppermint!

MENOPAUSE: Acid reflux!

• • •

ME: I’ve been forgetting people’s names a lot lately. Why is that?

MENOPAUSE: I don’t know, but it’s going to be fun watching you fill out gift tags.

• • •

ME: I just read about this thing called “The Little Drummer Boy Challenge.”

MENOPAUSE: What’s that?

ME: You see how many days you can go in December without hearing “The Little Drummer Boy.” It’s a little goofy, but it sounds like fun.

MENOPAUSE: “Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum.”

• • •

MENOPAUSE: You might want to go easy on that eggnog.

ME: You’re the reason I need to drink.

• • •

ME: Cheese ball!

MENOPAUSE: Lactose intolerance!

• • •

ME: They always keep the thermostat set too high in stores in winter. I shouldn’t be sweating in December!

MENOPAUSE: Sweetie, the heat isn’t turned on.

• • •

ME: Snow!

MENOPAUSE: Hot flash!

ME: Thank you!

MENOPAUSE: You’re welcome.

• • •

ME: Ooooh, “Frosty the Snowman” is on TV! That’s another one of my favorites!

MENOPAUSE: Me too. I like to think there’s magic left even in the old hats.


Features Editor Lisa Davis: 256-235-3555.