Dear Boss,

Please excuse Lisa for being late to work every day this week. She has been having to wash the breakfast dishes by hand.

Dear Maytag/Whirlpool/Kenmore,

Five years? Really? You can’t make a dishwasher that can go more than five years without springing a leak?

P.S. You’re not fooling anybody with all those different names. We all know there’s just one big giant company making all the appliances.

Dear Providence,

OK, the kitchen floor did need mopping. You’ve got me there.

Dear Dishpan,

Where did I put you?

Dear Apple,

Have you secretly started making dishwashers?

Dear Honda,

Could you please figure out how to make a dishwasher? Thank you.

Dear Founding Fathers,

Whichever one of you decided to base the American economy on the ever-increasing consumption of goods, what were you thinking?

Dear Alfred P. Sloan Jr.,

I understand you are the person who came up with the idea of “planned obsolescence” back in 1924 when you were working for General Motors. I would like a word, sir.

Dear John Maynard Keynes,

You’re a famous economist (and also dead), so you may not ever read this, but I just wanted to say how much I appreciate the way you think. This quote of yours, for instance: “The decadent international but individualistic capitalism in the hands of which we found ourselves after the war is not a success. It is not intelligent. It is not beautiful. It is not just. It is not virtuous. And it doesn’t deliver the goods.”

And I have the dishwasher to prove it.

Dear China,

Your evil plan to slowly bankrupt the American middle class by making us buy all new appliances every five years is working. Congratulations.

Dear Boss,

Lisa needs to take a personal day on Friday. She has a sick dishwasher at home that she needs to take care of.

Dear YouTube,

Thank you thank you thank you. How can I ever repay you for the free advice on how to fix my dishwasher? What’s that? I can repay you by giving you a list of every single thing I’ve ever bought so that you can spend the rest of my life selling me more things?

Lisa Davis is Features Editor of The Anniston Star. Contact her at 256-235-3555 or ldavis@annistonstar.com.

 

Features Editor Lisa Davis: 256-235-3555.

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