I’ve been watching the Winter Olympics this week and feeling inadequate.
I am so unathletic, the word “athletic” shouldn’t even be used near me. I’m just “un.”
The few times I have gone ice skating, I have only remained upright by keeping to the very edge of the rink and clutching the rail. (They won’t let grownups use those skating aids.)
I’ve often wondered if I’d be any good at the luge, because I am quite practiced at the art of lying down.
I did do a fast downhill run once, but I wasn’t on skis. I was chasing a toddler on a runaway bike.
I have worked hangry, like snowboarder Chloe Kim.
I have overslept, lost my jacket and used the F-word in an inappropriate setting, like 17-year-old snowboarder Red Gerard.
They call snowboarding legend Shaun White “the Flying Tomato.” I made a tomato fly once, that time I let the spaghetti sauce overheat on the stove.
My hindquarters are disproportionately large, like those of figure skater Alan Rippon, though not nearly as toned. Not toned at all, actually.
Even though I am a grown woman, I am still overly fond of Winnie-the-Pooh, like figure skater Yuzuru Hanyu.
(I so want one of those cute stuffed white tigers they give to the athletes. I would take that over a gold medal.)
I shun sparkly clothes, like figure skater Nathan Chen.
I’ve never been to PyeongChang, but I’ve been to P.F. Chang.
I think there’s a half pipe in my basement.
Beyond that, I can’t really relate to the Olympic winter sports.
Curling, y’all. CURLING.
This sport is played on ice, and players slide big rocks toward a target, sort of like a giant, slow-motion game of marbles.
The playing field is called the sheet. The target is called the house. The bullseye is called the button. The final rock is called the hammer.
Players use a broom to sweep the ice in the path of the stone.
Team members yell at each other from opposite sides of the house, hollering out “Hurry!” or “Up!” or “Off!”
Curlers don’t need special shoes. They can wear comfy shoes and just stick Teflon on the bottom. American curler Tyler George competes in a pair of ratty old Skechers.
On Valentine’s Day, the Norwegian curling team wore pants with hearts all over them.
Let’s be honest. Those were pajama pants.
Consider the evidence: Sheet … house .. button … hammer. Sweeping and yelling. Sensible shoes. Wearing pajama pants in public.
This I can relate to. Curling is the ultimate mom sport.
Lisa Davis is Features Editor of The Anniston Star. Contact her at 256-235-3555 or firstname.lastname@example.org.