Ah, the leaves are changing colors, the air has turned blissfully cool and SOMEBODY HELP ME I HAVE NO PANTS!
I spent the balmy days of summer wearing linen pants. Not only were they comfy, but they had pockets and they were supposed to be wrinkled. I used to have four pairs of black linen pants, which went with everything. But after six years, I’ve worn them all out but one.
I may not know much about wardrobe rules here in the South, but I know you’re not supposed to wear linen in winter.
In years past, I have switched to khaki pants for the cooler months — “boyfriend” pants, to be specific, which are supposed to look “relaxed and lived-in,” which I take as permission to wear them wrinkled.
But my boyfriend pants are no longer “relaxed-fit.” In fact, I have popped the buttons on all three pairs of them, and I’ve had to stick them in the back of the closet with all the other clothes I will wear again once I lose 10 pounds.
I am so bad at this whole wardrobe thing. Sometimes, I will look down at my attire and ask myself, “How long has that button been undone?”
I’ve learned never to wear white, because that’s just an invitation to spill coffee on myself. If you schedule a meeting with me first thing in the morning, I’m going to show up with wet hair.
My personal style is best described as “schlubby journalist” — which is a real thing. For the movie “Spotlight,” a real-life tale of investigative reporters at The Boston Globe, the costume designer shopped at thrift stores and Gap sales in order to dress the stars, according to an article in The Guardian. She then had to “stonewash the whole wardrobe” so it looked old and wrinkled.
During filming, photos were released of the glamorous Rachel McAdams dressed as a journalist, and fans complained that her clothes made her look ridiculous.
Me, I was like, “Hey, I have that same shirt!”
And by that I mean, I bought that shirt in 2001, when the movie is set, and I still have it.
“Real journalists, it seems, aren’t afraid to wear the same shirt two days running, or for years,” wrote The Guardian.
Well maybe that’s because I can only stand to go clothes-shopping every five years. There are just so many other things I’d rather do, like pull out my fingernails with a pair of pliers.
Oh, how I wish I could dress like Steve Jobs, who wore jeans and a black turtleneck everywhere. But I’m not an eccentric genius billionaire, nor do I have any jeans that fit.
And then it hit me. The answer to my winter wardrobe dilemma is so obvious: leggings.
I just need five pairs of black leggings, and I will be set until spring. Spring of 2023, to be exact.
Although … if I’m going to wear black leggings every day, I really need some long tunics to cover up my bulgier parts.
SOMEBODY HELP ME I HAVE NO SHIRTS!
Lisa Davis is Features Editor of The Anniston Star. Contact her at 256-235-3555 or firstname.lastname@example.org.