MENOPAUSE: You’re 55, right?
MENOPAUSE: And the average life expectancy for American women is 79?
ME: If you say so.
MENOPAUSE: And 79-55=24, right?
ME: Are you trying to tell me something?
MENOPAUSE: No, I just needed somebody to check my math.
ME: Why did I come into this room?
MENOPAUSE: Don’t ask me, I wasn’t paying attention.
ME: Did you turn the thermostat up?
ME: Stop the car! I hafta go!
MENOPAUSE: Didn’t I tell you to go before we left?
ME: I did go before we left! I hafta go again!
MENOPAUSE: Is it time to get up yet?
ME: No, it’s 3 a.m., go back to sleep.
MENOPAUSE: How about now?
ME: No, it’s 4 a.m., go back to sleep.
MENOPAUSE: C’mon, get up! Please?
ME: Go back to sleep.
MENOPAUSE: Fine, we’ll have to do this the hard way.
ME: No! Wait!
MENOPAUSE: HOT FLASH!
ME: Did you turn the thermostat down?
ME: Is that a … pimple?
MENOPAUSE: I thought you might be nostalgic for high school.
MENOPAUSE: Are you hungry?
ME: No, why do you ask?
MENOPAUSE: You’re standing in front of the refrigerator.
MENOPAUSE: I know you’ve been nostalgic for your college days, so I’ve arranged a little something to make you feel young again. We’re going to stay up ALL NIGHT LONG!
ME: What? Noooooooo!!!!
MENOPAUSE: Heat Miser!
ME: [ turns on fan ]
MENOPAUSE: Snow Miser!
ME: [ turns on heater ]
MENOPAUSE: Remember when you said you’d never ever consider plastic surgery?
ME: Shut up.
MENOPAUSE: I heard you were taking a test in the morning.
ME: Yes. I’m a little worried about it.
MENOPAUSE: Well, to help you out, I arranged for you to get an extra 20 points!
ME: It’s a cholesterol test.
ME: Yay! Ice cream!
MENOPAUSE: Yay! Ice cream!
ME: Ow! My stomach hurts! What’s wrong with me?
MENOPAUSE: Oh, that’s lactose intolerance. Did I forget to tell you?
ME: Do these pants have pockets? I’m not buying them if they don’t have pockets.
MENOPAUSE: What you need to be asking is, “Do these pants have an elastic waistband?”
ME: I’m feeling so productive today! I’m going to start by cleaning the house from top to bottom!
MENOPAUSE: CRASHING FATIGUE!!!
ME: [ heads to couch ]
MENOPAUSE: So what’s new on Netflix this month?
Lisa Davis is Features Editor of The Anniston Star. Contact her at 256-235-3555 or email@example.com.