Conversations

MENOPAUSE: You’re 55, right?

ME: Yes.

MENOPAUSE: And the average life expectancy for American women is 79?

ME: If you say so.

MENOPAUSE: And 79-55=24, right?

ME: Are you trying to tell me something?

MENOPAUSE: No, I just needed somebody to check my math.

***

ME: Why did I come into this room?

MENOPAUSE: Don’t ask me, I wasn’t paying attention.

***

ME: Did you turn the thermostat up?

MENOPAUSE: No.

***

ME: Stop the car! I hafta go!

MENOPAUSE: Didn’t I tell you to go before we left?

ME: I did go before we left! I hafta go again!

***

MENOPAUSE: Is it time to get up yet?

ME: No, it’s 3 a.m., go back to sleep.

MENOPAUSE: How about now?

ME: No, it’s 4 a.m., go back to sleep.

MENOPAUSE: C’mon, get up! Please?

ME: Go back to sleep.

MENOPAUSE: Fine, we’ll have to do this the hard way.

ME: No! Wait!

MENOPAUSE: HOT FLASH!

***

ME: Did you turn the thermostat down?

MENOPAUSE: No.

***

ME: Is that a … pimple?

MENOPAUSE: I thought you might be nostalgic for high school.

***

MENOPAUSE: Are you hungry?

ME: No, why do you ask?

MENOPAUSE: You’re standing in front of the refrigerator.

***

MENOPAUSE: I know you’ve been nostalgic for your college days, so I’ve arranged a little something to make you feel young again. We’re going to stay up ALL NIGHT LONG!

ME: What? Noooooooo!!!!

***

MENOPAUSE: Heat Miser!

ME: [ turns on fan ]

MENOPAUSE: Snow Miser!

ME: [ turns on heater ]

***

MENOPAUSE: Remember when you said you’d never ever consider plastic surgery?

ME: Shut up.

***

MENOPAUSE: I heard you were taking a test in the morning.

ME: Yes. I’m a little worried about it.

MENOPAUSE: Well, to help you out, I arranged for you to get an extra 20 points!

ME: It’s a cholesterol test.

***

ME: Yay! Ice cream!

MENOPAUSE: Yay! Ice cream!

ME: Ow! My stomach hurts! What’s wrong with me?

MENOPAUSE: Oh, that’s lactose intolerance. Did I forget to tell you?

***

ME: Do these pants have pockets? I’m not buying them if they don’t have pockets.

MENOPAUSE: What you need to be asking is, “Do these pants have an elastic waistband?”

***

ME: I’m feeling so productive today! I’m going to start by cleaning the house from top to bottom!

MENOPAUSE: CRASHING FATIGUE!!!

ME: [ heads to couch ]

MENOPAUSE: So what’s new on Netflix this month?

Lisa Davis is Features Editor of The Anniston Star. Contact her at 256-235-3555 or ldavis@annistonstar.com.

Features Editor Lisa Davis: 256-235-3555.