The hardest workout I get is figuring out ways to avoid working out.
In middle school, we had to do gymnastics as part of PE class. I was pretty good at the pommel horse and the balance beam, but when it came time to do the rings, I just hung there like a side of beef.
In high school, I played a little tennis, but I never had anybody to play with besides the garage door.
I took golf lessons once. Missed the ball every time.
I tried racquetball, but I have bad depth perception and kept missing the shot.
Ditto for volleyball.
I’m too short to play basketball.
I’m already brain-damaged enough to play football.
I tried running but I kept stumbling and twisting my ankles.
I used to walk 45 minutes every morning, but then I went back to work full-time and all my routines went out the window.
By the time I found time to start walking again, I’d gotten arthritis in my feet.
My doctor suggested I try swimming or biking instead of walking.
But I hate what the chlorine in the swimming pool does to my skin, and I’m a little phobic about deep water.
I can’t bike because that’s not really a bike seat, that’s a medieval torture device.
I love hiking in the woods, except for the snakes. And the Lyme disease. And bears.
I almost bought an exercise bike on NextDoor, except that weekend my husband took the truck out of town so I had no way to pick it up.
I tried spin class. Almost died.
Me on a treadmill is an accident waiting to happen.
I tried riding a recumbent bike at the Y, but it was so comfy I kept forgetting to pedal.
My husband gave me a Fitbit for Valentine’s Day, which is much heart-healthier than a heart-shaped box of chocolates. For the first four days, I loved my Fitbit. I was marching around the house, meeting my step goals. And then my wrist starting aching.
I googled and found other people whose Fitbits made their joints ache. Maybe it’s the GPS tracker, they theorized, or the electromagnetic thingee inside.
When the Wii Fit first came out, we got one and I tried all of the workouts. Turns out my avatar can’t play basketball or tennis or golf either.
But I enjoyed the virtual step class and the balance training.
And then I discovered the Wii marching band game.
High-stepping, working my arms to the beat of the drumline, strutting to the sound of the trumpets? It was every middle-aged mom’s dream workout.
Then one day the Wii Fit just stopped working.
Does anybody know if there’s a real-life marching band I could work out with?
That might get me out of the house. Especially if they’d let me bang the cymbals.
Lisa Davis is Features Editor of The Anniston Star. Contact her at 256-235-3555 or firstname.lastname@example.org.