Hmmmm, "All Cheerleaders Die" or "Cannibal Holocaust"?
"We All Scream for Ice Cream" … no way that’s an actual movie.
"Dr. Giggles" vs. "The Dentist." Heck, the actual dentist is terrifying enough with the rubber gloves and mask, not to mention the pointy drills and tartar-scraping picks. That profession doesn’t need to be horrified.
"Dead Snow." Nazi zombies? Come on. They’re not even trying anymore.
"Zombeavers." Wonder what that could be about? Somewhere, Jim Henson and Kermit the Frog (though not technically dead) are rolling over in their graves. Of course, there’s probably a movie of that, too: "Murder Muppets: Waka-Waka You’re Dead!"
"DeathGasm," "Blood-Sucking Freaks" or plain ol’ "Freaks?"
Decisions, decisions, decisions. Halloween is like my personal Christmas, only I’m the one getting all the gifts and my nightmares are filled with psychos at summer camp instead of credit card bills.
As summer turns to fall, my attention turns to the Star’s third annual HorrorFest, a buckets-of-blood marathon during which I will watch 31 horror movies in 31 days. I will be live on Twitter as I watch (@bbuckner21, #horrorfest), tweeting my dopey insights and pop-culture references, followed by reviews of the visual carnage on AnnistonStar.com the next day.
Not to beat an analogy to death, but come September I’m like a kid pouring over the Target toy catalog, only instead of circling Star Wars Lego playsets or Hello, Kitty gear, I’m stuffing my NetFlix queue and Amazon Watch List with "The Town that Dreaded Sundown," "Manic," "Smiley," "Lords of Salem" and "Drag Me to Hell."
Clowns are big this year, thanks to the Gore Maestro Eli Roth’s not-nearly-as-gross-as-you’d-expect and ever-so-aptly-titled "Clown."
There are also "Funhouse," "Stitches," "KillJoy," "Clownhouse" and, my personal favorite, "Killer Klowns from Outer Space."
Frankly, horror movies about clowns seem kind of redundant, because clowns are creepy when they’re doing normal clown stuff.
The scary clown begins and ends with Stephen King’s Pennywise (unless you wanna count mass murderer John Wayne Gacy’s alter-ego, Pogo). So I’ll be watching "It" this year.
Yep … I get paid for this. But watching 31 horror movies in 31 days is not as easy at is sounds. It’s a bag full of awesome, don’t get me wrong, but there’s lots of planning and forethought that goes into choosing the categories for the movies, then deciding which movies I can get my hands on without having to max out my Amazon credit card.
It’s enough to make one long for the days of roaming the shelves at the local video store for VHS copies of "Faces of Death" ("Banned in 52 countries"!).
This year’s HorrorFest will be a little different. I’m letting my 8-year-old daughter participate in the horror … uh … festivities.
She and I will watch some (age-appropriate) horror movies, as time and patience allow, and she can tweet along with me.
Of course, I had to first teach her the ins and outs of Twitter, which, as a member of the Digital Generation, she picked up with a savant’s intuition.
It’s also why my Twitter account is now following Selena Gomez, Beyonce and something called "Pug Life Forever."
Will the horror never end?
Contact Brett Buckner at firstname.lastname@example.org.