Today we offer a fantasy: A typical Alabama gubernatorial candidate’s speech (along with the unvoiced subtext):

My fellow Alabamians. (You are out there, aren’t you? Hel-loooooo? I mean, c’mon, somebody please, please pay attention to me, me, me!)

With Tuesday’s election we stand at a unique time in history, one that will bring us a new occupant in the governor’s mansion next year. (Very unique, unless you count all the other elections for Alabama governor, the ones we hold every four years.)

This great state, populated with the finest people known to man, are a blessing to the rest of the nation. There’s a reason we are first in the list of states, and it’s more than the luck of the alphabet. My fellow Alabamians are tired of business as usual in Montgomery. (Never mind those decades — give or take — that I’ve been part of that business as usual in Montgomery.)

We need to clean up Alabama. (Except, of course, for those slightly soiled parts that benefit me.)

We can start with our campaign finance laws. My opponents are being propped up by shadowy, secretive groups that have maligned my good name and character. (Not that I’d have minded too much if other shadowy, secretive groups friendly to yours truly were giving as good as I’m getting.)

As governor, I will protect our Judeo-Christian heritage. (How come in all my visits to churches this campaign season I haven’t found a single one with “Judeo-Christian” in its name?)

I will clean up the mess created by flimsy ethics laws. (How precisely I will make that happen I don’t care to discuss right now. The Riley administration — one of the most scandal-free administrations in recent memory — has thrown the kitchen sink at the problem for eight years with little success, but I’m counting on you not remembering that inconvenient fact.)

Despite what you may have heard from these ads paid for by friends of my opponent, I am not a cross-dressing follower of the Prince of Evil. I do not belong to the Al Gore Fan Club. And I do not have a hammer-and-sickle tattoo on my backside. (Honestly, there is only that one tattoo picked up on that drunken spring-break weekend years ago when I was in college. And it’s merely a map of Alabama that reads, “Heart of Dixie.”)

We need to get tough on illegal immigrants. They are a major threat to Alabama workers. (As much as an estimated 3.6 percent of the state’s total workforce can be a threat. Let’s put aside that a better use of our time would be spent addressing increasing the number of Alabama workers with a college education.)

Our state is threatened by the Trojan horse of socialized medicine known as Obamacare. This government takeover of health care will hurt Alabama. (Never mind that 38 percent of Alabamians already receive “government health care” in the form of Medicare, Medicaid and All-Kids. Oh, and look away from the fact that we need anything we can lay our hands on to improve the lot of the 12 percent of Alabamians without health insurance.)

Taxes are bearing down on the good people of Alabama. (A state where, thank goodness, it’s not widely known that the state and local tax burden is the fourth lowest in the nation, according to the Census Bureau.)

Those responsible for the massive oil spill threatening our shores need to know that we will hold them accountable for the damage done to our beaches and our economy. (Sure hope that picture of me holding the “Drill, Baby, Drill” sign never surfaces.)

I know many of you are concerned about our 1901 Constitution and the effort to change it. I will oppose a new constitutional convention on the grounds that special interests will control the rewrite and, in the process, cut out the working people of Alabama. (Because special interests never, never, never have a say under the current system.)

Speaking of special interests, I’m just the fighter we need to take on the teachers’ lobby in Montgomery. I won’t be bullied by powerful union bosses. (Is it any wonder that teachers are so loyal to the AEA, what with every politician declaring war on the organization every five minutes?)

And so, friends, I ask for your vote on Tuesday. Together we can push back against the cloud of doom that will surely engulf us should one of my opponents happen to win the election. (And, by the way, has anybody checked to see what sort of tattoos are on their backsides?)

Bob Davis is editor of The Anniston Star. Contact him at (256) 235-3540 or bdavis@annistonstar.com. You can follow him on Twitter at: twitter.com/EditorBobDavis.