My son has a collection of his favorite fortune-cookie fortunes stuck on the refrigerator.

Your present plans are going to succeed.

The only way to have a friend is to be one.

Life to you is a dashing and bold adventure.

Aren’t those nice? I especially like the last one.

Unfortunately, the last time we got Chinese takeout, the fortunes took a drastic turn for the worse.

No matter what you do there will be critics.

The word is silver, silence gold.

Plan on coming back to this restaurant.

Not with fortunes like that, buster.

I should point out that none of these fortunes belongs to me. My children always claim the entire stash of fortune cookies. I don’t really mind, because I lost my taste for fortune cookies when I was 8 years old, after I talked my mother into buying me an entire bag of them and I ate them all in one sitting.

The new crop of bad fortunes is not an isolated phenomenon. A friend recently posted a lame fortune on Facebook:

Eat your fruits and vegetables to strengthen your health.

The Huffington Post just reported on a lame fortune making the rounds in New York City:

There is no time like the pleasant.

I can’t decide if that’s shallow philosophy, or bad spelling.

These lame fortunes are not to be confused with intentionally bad fortunes. There’s a company called Cookie Misfortune that sells cookies with cruel fortunes such as You will die alone and poorly dressed.

(See, you should have eaten those fruits and vegetables.)

Did you know that there are no fortune cookies in China? It’s an American thing. The biggest fortune cookie manufacturer in America is Wonton Food in New York. They have a stockpile of about 10,000 fortunes.

I’d complain some more about the quality of the fortunes, but, well, silence is gold.

Fortunately, my kids don’t have to rely exclusively on fortune cookies anymore. Among the treasures they brought home from a Halloween party were Fortune Teller Fish. When I was a kid, I loved these things.

A Fortune Teller Fish is a thin piece of red cellophane shaped like a fish. Hold it in the palm of your hand, and your body heat makes it twist and curl. The way it curls up determines your fortune.

The Fortune Teller Fish told me that I am either passionate, or lying.

No matter what you do, there will be critics.

At least that’s more than my Magic 8 Ball ever told me. Ask again later. Such a cop-out.

Did you know that the 20-sided shape inside a Magic 8 Ball is called an icosahedron?

You learn new things every day. Life is a dashing and bold adventure.