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Why do I do this to myself?

Every year I study like it’s the night before a midterm and fill out what I think is the perfect bracket. The only problem is teams like Gonzaga (years ago) or George Mason (last year) completely ruin it.

The pain got to me so bad one year — are you ready for this — I didn’t even fill out a bracket.

WHAT?

I know, I know. Even Marge from accounting and Breck the guy with the nose ring that hands you coffee in the morning fill out a bracket. And they’ve never even held a basketball.

But it was more than I could take.

And being without one was more than I could take. So, last year I filled one out.

Don’t ask how I did. I guess it was much like the rest of the world’s bracket.

I’m not dumb when it comes to basketball.

And I don’t care how much your co-workers brag — when they’re in the lead — most of them have arrived to that point because of one thing: Dumb luck.

If your name isn’t Digger or Dickey V, you can’t know that much about 65 college basketball teams.

Or even 32.

You know as well as I do you haven’t seen Holy Cross play. You wouldn’t even know Holy Cross’ point guard if he sat behind you at church.

So, this year I’ve got better plan. I’ve actually got a plan aside from picking the teams I know something about and listening to Dick Vitale…

Listed below are five quick steps to help walk you through the madness. And quick is the key word.

There’s no sense sweating hours over this thing only to be beaten by an 8-year-old girl and a dog (True story.)

If you want to save a lot of time, you can use mine for a cheat sheet if you’d like. I’ll charge only five percent of the winnings. Unless, that is, if that’s like the house getting a cut of the winning, which was reported in The Star to be illegal, so in that case, I’ll just take a Christmas card.

1. Take the one you’ve already filled out and tear it up.

It’s going to hurt at first, but trust me, that bracket is just like that girl you thought you loved back in college. Sure, she looked great, but the prettiest ones always hurt you the worst.

Trust me, you’ll thank me later. If not, you’ll have somebody to blame, thus not ruining the mystique of your supreme knowledge of college roundball.

Besides everybody needs a fresh start.

2. Always play under an assumed name.

This is a win-win situation. If you’re dead-last place, it won’t be your name on there, it will be John Archibald. Everybody around the office will be asking, “Who is John Archibald?” Don’t respond. However, if you’re near the top, tell everybody that John Archibald is what you enter under because you and your friend John always filled out your brackets together every year.

And he passed away.

Not only will you get to brag about how well your bracket is doing, but everybody will instantly think you have a soft side.

3. Completely put last year out of your mind.

The Year of the Underdogs was like $2.00 gas. We’re not ever going to see it again. Go ahead and pick a No. 12 seed to beat a No. 5 — it will always happen. And pick a couple other random upsets. However, don’t get carried away with it. There’s no way the final four should ever include two directional schools, Gonzaga and a team that doesn’t play football.

Also don’t take this to the other extreme. The four No. 1s won’t all be in the finals.

Lastly, don’t put Florida vs. Ohio State in the finals. Sure the talking heads at ESPN would explode if the two met in another national championship game. However, Jim Tressell would probably grab Jokim Noah by the pony tail before another set of Buckeyes get routed.

4. Find your shtick and stick to it

For the matchups you know nothing about — and there’s likely to be a few — decide how you’re going to pick them. Will it be mascots battles (Tiger vs. Pirate: Who would survive)? Team colors? A picking chicken (see story on 1C from Atlanta Journal Constitution)? Or your family pet?

Whatever it is, go with it. For instance: Don’t let your dog pick and then when you think the dog picked the wrong one, tell your dog he doesn’t know what he talking about and go with the opposite one. (True story.)

5. Fill out four more.

Be creative. Pick with your eyes closed. Pick one with wild upsets. Pick one with no rhyme or reason whatsoever. Let your children pick one.

Because honestly, this is like the lottery. The more you’ve got, the more you can throw away.