Food

Much like pudding, there's really no such thing as bad peanut butter.

And yet there is one distinction, a specific lip-smacking nuance that divides peanut butter connoisseurs (i.e. children, college students and single men under the age of 30) into two camps — chunky vs. smooth.

Now this isn't a none-too-civil war on par with say Dog People vs. Cat People where neither side is willing to concede points to the other.

Chunky People will go smooth and vice versa. It's more a matter of preference, of personal taste.

Not to mention a certain level of maturity. Chunky peanut butter's for grown-ups. Kids need something simple, soothing, smooth. Adults like chunky because that's what life is — rough and tough to digest.

Truly great peanut butter — the kind that clings to the roof of your mouth like a tabby stuck in a tree — cannot be contained by bread alone. Not even Wonder Bread.

Chucky will chew straight through toast with ease, leaving only a sticky palm in its wake. It refuses to be spread, to be pacified. Chunky peanut butter can only be eaten with a spoon. And not an average tea or a tablespoon either, but rather a cafeteria-sized serving spoon.

Which is why I love chunky peanut butter.

This is no snack. It's not cute and quaint. This is a stand-at-the-kitchen-sink meal, where a jug — not a glass — of milk is needed to wash it all down. One heaping spoonful, a greasy glob of goodness contains enough protein to provide fuel and energy for a marathon. Or a long hard afternoon of napping through baseball games in sweatpants.

Plus … it lasts forever, making it the perfect meal for someone on the go, who doesn't want to mess with bread, plates or napkins. Chunky peanut butter is like the filet mignon of those too impatient (or lazy) to cook for themselves.

Consider me among their legion.