The next thing Mom or Dad knows, four or five hours of clicking, dragging and staring at a screen have passed. Ms. Pawel, who is based in Ohio, says that amount of time on the Internet gives children too much opportunity to find trouble… or have it find them."God only knows what's out there," said Oxford parent Beth McCarney, who has two teen-age daughters. "I don't like for them to be on it for ever and ever and ever."
Her children spend about six to eight hours a week on the computer, mostly shopping or talking to friends. No time limit has ever been set, but there is one concrete rule, Mrs. McCarney said: no chat rooms.
She also walks through occasionally to see what they're viewing. Some children might consider that strict or overly watchful, but that's the way it is in the McCarney household and in most where families have set computer rules.
Teen-agers surveyed nationally say their parents probably should pay more attention to their activities, including Internet time, said Marti Erickson, director of the Youth and Family Consortium at the University of Minnesota. What turns up in anonymous surveys, however, rarely is reflected when a parent has to pull the plug on a computer or draw a line in the carpet.
That, as any parent who's been there knows, can spark a battle royal.
The computer poses a quandary because it has become so useful for teen-agers in school or family hobbies, parents say. It isn't as easy as flipping a switch, because with the bad also goes the good. Research for reports, e-mails to relatives or even shopping for books and music (meaning fewer parental trips to the store) have become conveniences families rely upon.
Problems arise, however, when the computer and its Internet connection become the most engaged member of the household. Teen-age and parent relationships have always had their rough spots. When the Internet becomes a refuge, it adds another wedge at a crucial time in life. Even parents who say they have good relationships with their children say the computer is a barrier. And it's Web pages and screens, with all their attractions, are tough to compete against.
"Parents talk about how isolating it is," said Dr. Erickson, whose children are in their 20s and missed the Internet boom as teen-agers. "It can lead to a real erosion of family time.
"There's concern not just over content, but the sheer amount of time and how to get a grip on that."
Researchers wonder at the sharp increase in obesity in teen-agers over the past two years and the equally sharp rise in computer time. That's a possible side-effect that comes in addition to worry about content.
Although many parents have handled the Internet content fear by placing computers in high-traffic areas such as kitchens and living rooms, they're still having a hard time prying the children away from the keyboard. For some reason, they don't like to place limits, Dr. Erickson said. Some are even afraid to because they don't want their children mad at them.
Dr. Erickson, who comes to the discipline argument as a self-described ex-hippie, said parents of today's teen-agers are often intimidated by the arguments put forth. Their children state their cases with eloquence and volume. They also usually have a handful of neighborhood "case studies" showing their family is the only one policing the computer.
"It's real hard if you are the one family in a set of families who sets limits," Dr. Erickson said.
Pleasant Valley parent Ann Couch said the return of school days will likely cut down on computer time at her house with 13-year-old daughter Jennifer Bass. Among the school-year rules are a 10 p.m. cut-off time and a limit of no more than 30 minutes at a time on-line to keep from tying up the telephone line.
The computer is in the living room, Mrs. Couch said, so she can keep an eye on what's being surfed. Even though the computer is in a high-traffic area, Mrs. Couch said she still wonders who her daughter is messaging and what they're talking about.
That's different than telephone conversations, which could always be casually overheard so Mom or Dad knew basically what the topic was.
"She'll be instant messaging and I'll wonder, 'Is that really who she's talking to?'" Mrs. Couch said.
Most of Jennifer's friends don't have computer rules, she said. For her, two hours would be too long on the computer, and she realizes it's a bad idea because it ties up the phone line. She thinks her mom is stricter than most, but also feels she has enough computer time to do what she needs.
Alyson Short and her family have worked through some conflict over the Internet. She's a mother of four, ranging from 16 to 8, and she closely monitors the computer traffic.
For example, the family once had the computer in a bedroom but decided to move it to a high traffic area. She also has set up parental guidance filters through American Online. Her 13-year-old knows if he oversteps his limits his filter might be bumped down to a more restricted level - something parents can and should do if their children go where they aren't supposed to.
Dr. Erickson and Ms. Pawel said that is how most children would react to changes in computer policy. It's especially important to present the change as a way of showing interest in their welfare and what they're doing.
"In a more mature moment - and they have them - they'll feel cared for when their parents are involved," Dr. Erickson said. "Don't go at it from control as much as, 'I'm here. I'm interested.'"
Some parents have made it a point to know their children's passwords, despite the outcry it brings from their children. Families must find a balance between allowing their children privacy, Ms. Pawel said. After all, a computer with an unlimited amount of access to unlimited material isn't the same as a locked diary.
Other parents have found comfort by setting strict guidance limits on their children's screen names; if there's an occasion in which the child needs less-restrictive access, the parent logs on under their screen name and takes them where they need to go.
Parents have to talk to each other about computer limits and make sure they're on the same page, Ms. Pawel said. That keeps consistent use in the family, and a little peace. Other than that, mostly what parents need to do is pay attention to when the computer is on.
Mrs. McCarney said she gets suspicious if she walks into the room and her children click out of a screen quickly. Other parents say their antennae go up if there's anything secretive about computer use.
Much of that suspicion can be handled by the high-traffic area computer spot, but some houses can't be set up that way, Ms. Pawel said. For example, if phone jacks and outlets mean the computer must be in a separate room, set it up so the screen faces the door, which must be left open.
If summer brought recreational computer use, school's return means a combination of homework and play. Brenda Sewak said her children, 12-year-old Sarah-Beth and 11-year-old Emmie, use the computer more during the school year, but they must ask before they log on.
"Then you can always walk by to see what they're doing," she said. "And they know not to open an e-mail from someone they don't know."
If parents find they're waging a battle of computer rules alone, they should get a group of parents and agree on a set of standards, Dr. Erickson said. That can be through a class, Parent-Teacher group, Scout troop, church or any set of families that spend a lot of time around each other. Don't be afraid to broach the subject for fear of seeming a suspicious and over-protective parent, she said. Chances are, other parents have the same concerns, they're just unsure of how to address them.
Follow up the standards talk by active involvement with children and their computers, children's advocacy groups advise. Many parents still feel unschooled in computer use, therefore they abdicate the machine to their children. However, if they take an active role from the time their children first start to use the computer and Internet, they'll lay the foundation for expected behavior as the child gets older.
Anniston dad Anthony Fava has helped his daughter Angie learn about the computer. She's 8-years-old and doesn't spend a lot of time on-line, but when she does, her father is usually there.
In the Fava house, about 30 minutes is the standard time, mom Flor Fava said. She plays games and has a friend she e-mails, but that's about it.
"Right now she doesn't get too attached to it," Mrs. Fava said. "It's just a once-in-awhile thing."
