Behold me, I am Athena, Greek goddess of wisdom and war!
I am She-Ra, Princess of Power!
I am the color pink!
I am a grape!
I am psyched after taking 21 online personality quizzes!
It’s been a decade since I took my first online quiz, after a friend sent me an email with a link to find out what book I am.
I am “Ulysses” by James Joyce! I am incomprehensible and lacking in punctuation!
This year, the rest of my friends apparently discovered online personality quizzes, and they’ve been filling up my Facebook feed with their results.
If my friends were “Peanuts” characters, most of them would be Charlie Brown or Lucy. Me? I’m Franklin, the kid nobody remembers.
At least now I know which friends can’t be trusted to hold the football.
I learned things about myself I already knew. If I were a character from “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,” I would be Augustus Gloop, the chubby kid who falls in the chocolate river and almost drowns.
If I were a 1980s pop icon, I would be Janet Jackson, the relatively normal and well-adjusted one. I pity all the folks who got Madonna.
Sometimes I surprised myself. If I were a Disney ride, I would be the Enchanted Tiki Room. I didn’t even know there was an Enchanted Tiki Room. Why can’t I be something exciting like Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride or Space Mountain?
If I were a “Star Wars” character, I would be Darth Vader, which I am going to take as license to wreak all kinds of havoc, safe in the knowledge that in the end one of my wayward children will return to redeem me.
Sometimes my results were patently ridiculous. Depending on which quiz you choose to believe, in a past life I was either a Greek philosopher or a world explorer. I either sat in a cave and pondered all day long, or bravely sailed the ocean blue, risking life and limb. Neither of those answers jibes with my medieval profession: I am a hunter!
I also went back and retook the book quiz I first took 10 years ago. I’m still “Ulysses.”
As I finished answering the last of a couple of hundred seemingly innocuous quiz questions, it suddenly dawned on me that somebody, somewhere, was tracking every click of my computer. Somebody, somewhere now knows that my favorite hangover cure is a greasy burger and fries. That my favorite dance tune is “Brick House.” That I don’t really like to dance, but prefer to stand in a corner and bob my head.
All those marketers and NSA agents better not come after me, though. After all, I am Athena, the goddess of wisdom and war!
Contact Lisa Davis at email@example.com