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September 19, 2014

Homeland Insecurity And the Oscar goes to...

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Posted: Sunday, March 2, 2014 12:15 am | Updated: 8:39 pm, Sun Jun 15, 2014.

I’ll be watching the Oscars tonight, because I can’t pass up a chance to sing along to “Let it Go.” Plus, Ellen DeGeneres will be so much better than whoever that guy was who hosted last year. Here’s my take on the nine movies nominated for Best Picture. Bear in mind that the closest I’ve come to any of these movies is reading the Oscars issue of Entertainment Weekly last week in the waiting room while getting my car serviced.

•••

“American Hustle”

What it’s about: Sounds like a disco movie.

Are there period costumes? (I really need some period costumes now that Season 4 of “Downton Abbey” is over.) 1970s hair, plaid jackets, wide collars and hey, I had a muumuu like that!

Is Benedict Cumberbatch in it? No, darn it.

Would Ted Cruz like it? No. Turns out it’s about an FBI plot to take down a senator.

•••

“Captain Phillips”

What it’s about: This is either that movie about Tom Hanks on a boat, or Robert Redford on a boat.

Are there period costumes? It’s guys on boats, so I think not.

Is Benedict Cumberbatch in it? No, darn it again.

Would Ted Cruz like it? There are pirates, so maybe.

•••

“Dallas Buyers Club”

What it’s about: The early days of the QVC network?

Are there period costumes? 1980s fashion. You’ve been warned.

Is Benedict Cumberbatch in it? No. Don’t these people realize that Benedict Cumberbatch should be cast in everything?

Would Ted Cruz like it? LGBT spells “no.”

•••

“Gravity”

What it’s about: George Clooney and Sandra Bullock lost in space.

Are there period costumes? There are space suits.

Is Benedict Cumberbatch in it? No.

Would Ted Cruz like it? No. There is science.

•••

“Her”

What it’s about: I’m going out on a limb and saying this is about a girl.

Are there period costumes? No.

Is Benedict Cumberbatch in it? No.

Would Ted Cruz like it? No. There is phone sex ... with a phone.

•••

“Nebraska”

What it’s about: Nebraska.

Are there period costumes? In Nebraska? Are you kidding me?

Is Benedict Cumberbatch in it? Sherlock would not be caught dead in Nebraska.

Would Ted Cruz like it? Yes. Nebraska is a red state.

•••

“Philomena”

What it’s about: Is this a Shakespeare play?

Are there period costumes? There might be, if it’s a Shakespeare play.

Is Benedict Cumberbatch in it? He might be, if it’s a Shakespeare play.

Would Ted Cruz like it? Not if it’s a Shakespeare play.

•••

“The Wolf of Wall Street”

What it’s about: Sounds like another of those Gordon Gekko movies.

Are there period costumes? Just suits and ties.

Is Benedict Cumberbatch in it? No.

Would Ted Cruz like it? Sex, drugs, more than 500 F-bombs — probably not.

•••

“12 Years a Slave”

What it’s about: Um, slavery.

Are there period costumes? Lots.

Is Benedict Cumberbatch in it? YES!!!!! Plus it’s directed by a British guy named Steve McQueen. How cool is it that there’s a British guy named Steve McQueen? Oh, and Paul Giamatti is in it, and he was just on the season finale of “Downton Abbey,” so this one gets my vote for Best Picture.

Would Ted Cruz like it? No. The movie is very anti-free-market.

Contact Lisa Davis at ldavis@annistonstar.com

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